Sound Observations

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Location: Nashville, Tennessee, United States

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Sports Karma

This column originally appeared at on October 17th, 2006

NFL Week 6

1.) I've been feeling very prophetic recently. Of course all of this is after the fact, but I can honestly tell you that I picked most of the crazy shit that went down this weekend. Last night before I turned the TV off and went to bed it was 23-3 in the Arizona/Chicago game, late in the 3rd quarter. I told my wife that it wouldn't surprise me if the Bears pulled this one out of their asses. I said "It'll probably end up being 24-23 Bears." Lo and behold.

I also predicted the Titans beating the Redskins. One truth in making NFL picks is the old "Never bet on a washed-up quarterback that doesn't know he's washed up" rule. Mark Brunell fits firmly in this profile. He kind of had the look of the Brett-Favre pain-killer-addiction years, but with Heath Shuler's talent.

2.) Speaking of washed-up quarterbacks, the official When Will Steve McNair Go Down watch is over. It was getting dangerously close to my Game 7 over/under (of which I obviously took the under), so thanks Stevie. Now he'll come back to play in the next game, get hurt again, not practice all week, and look like a hero the next Sunday until he gets hurt yet again. God I miss him.

I also saw the Ravens have fired Jim Fassel as the offensive coordinator. Good for them. Brian Billick has done a bang-up job when he calls plays. Can't wait for the next NFL on ESPN pregame broadcast where Mike Ditka looks like he'll have a seizure when talking about the Baltimore offense.

Speaking of which, I'd like to see Ditka and Shannon Sharpe go at it once, with Ditka talking so fast it sounds like Cantonese, and Sharpe sounding like his tongue is waaaaaay too big for his mouth.

3.) Why is Mike Holmgren still so tan, even though he lives in Seattle? I mean the guy looks like he just got off a Carribean cruise, where he sat by the pool for a solid week, shaded only by his massive gut. This disturbs me, but it's even worse when he gets excited. Holmgren genuinely looked like he was going to barf on the field after the Seahawks' winning field goal.

4.) I think Rachel Nichols could be a slut. I've thought this for years, but seeing her in the Monday Night Football pregame broadcast, bowling and throwing back a few beers with the entire Chicago Bears defense confirmed it. It made me think of one of the opening scenes to Rules of Attraction, where a beautiful rich girl prances through the halls in her underwear with a fifth of tequila. "Come and get it, boys!"

5.) Did you see how relieved Ben Roethlisberger looked on Sunday during the pounding of the Chiefs? It looked like he had just gotten laid by each of the Kansas City cheerleaders after a 6-year dry spell.

Good for him, but he's still not a good quarterback. He never was. He was in the perfect situation as a rookie and he didn't fuck up much. Anyone think Kyle Orton's an elite NFL quarterback? Didn't think so.

College Football

6.) Yes, Vanderbilt did beat Georgia, and it's because Vandy's better than everybody thinks they are. They lost to Arkansas by 2, Alabama by 3, and played Michigan closer than anyone this year, including Notre Dame. It makes me think that Jay Cutler's success influenced recruitment dramatically. About time.

7.) Jesus, calm the hell down about the Miami/Florida Atlantic brawl. It was a fight, and not much more brutal than a baseball or hockey bench-clearing fracas. Nobady says at a hockey game, "That's just disgusting, terrible behavior. They're neanderthals. How could they reduce the sport to this?"

Take other sports for example. What initially led seemingly intelligent people to watch NASCAR? The crashes. What if the announcers said after a crash, "He's really bringing shame to this sport. Look at him, all covered in flames. That's really a barbaric, disgusting act right there."

The point is, fights/violent behaviors are a part of sports. As long as no one gets seriously hurt (which no one did in this instance), enjoy it. Only the stupid players take their helmets off before joining the melee anyway.


8.) Ok, I thought I was impervious to advertising, but I watched about 60 Jon Lovitz Subway commercials on Sunday, and I ended up eating lunch there on Monday. Coincidence? I think not, but those commercials really crack me up for some reason.

9.) I think the marketing gurus finally caught on that the American public doesn't want to see Peyton Manning in every commercial. I think we're down to about 12 Peyton ads an hour during football broadcasts, which is an improvement.

10.) Since we're bringing back C-list actors to star in commercials, why not bring Dolph Lundgren back, just sit there and be a scary-looking Russian dude? I'm sure it could sell cars or shavers with 900 blades on them. Come on, Dolph can't be working on anything, could he? Masters of the Universe II? Really?



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