Sound Observations

Humor, sports and social satire from an absurd modern world. Comments are encouraged and appreciated. Welcome!

Location: Nashville, Tennessee, United States

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Who Got Buck?

After a week off, I'm back for more pointed observations regarding the world of sports and beyond. I really need to quit my job. It gets in the way of life. Anyways, onward we go:

NFL Week 9

1.) Dear God, Joe Buck is back and the FOX pregame team is back on the road. Hide the kids and try not to look directly at the screen. FOX continues to find ways to make a crappy pregame show even crappier. "If you can't conduct a pregame show in front of a thousand drunk-ass screaming fans with their nipples painted yellow, what's the point of a pregame show?"

Now they're splitting the duties between Buck and Curt Menefee, when Buck has to go up to the booth and prepare for calling the game. I'm so confused!! Who's the real host? Where's James Brown?!!

2.) (sigh) Now the Raiders have resorted to kicking people in the balls. In the balls. I realize that there was a bit of a scuffle going on, and apparently no one likes or respects Jerramy Stevens, but come on. Don't kick people in the balls. If you weren't one of the sixteen people watching that game, here's the incident.

Besides that, I do like the way the Raiders are playing this year. They're an enigma. They go on a wild two-game winning streak, which includes the absolute, hands-down worst game of the year against the Steelers, and then get sacked nine times by an average Seattle defense. They keep you guessing. Everyone thought they would be "historically bad" (see: Peter King), and now they've got the same amount of wins as the defending Super Bowl champs.

They've also got the silliest looking coach, too, in defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. Tony Kornheiser described him as having the "Raider look." Really? Sorry I can't provide a picture of him, but you'll know it when you see it.

3.) Nobody likes Peyton Manning. I've never seen this much hatred for a really good player before. He's putting together another amazing season, and all anyone can talk about is how he'll eventually choke. "He can't play in the winter." "He doesn't have the support of his teammates." And of course; "He can't win the big game."

I don't remember this kind of scrutiny with Dan Marino. Of course, the media is much more invasive and nitpicky these days, but Marino is lovingly remembered as one of the best of all time, even without a title. Manning is set to obliterate almost every quarterback record except for rushing yards, and all people can do is criticize him.

Ah, fuck it. I hate him too. He just annoys the crap out of me.

4.) I haven't seen so many dropped balls since my testicles descended. Every time I looked at a game, the quarterback was putting the ball on the numbers, and the receiver would either drop it (and immediately clutch the sides of their helmet like they had the worst migraine in history), or tip it up in the air so some lucky defensive back could pad their stats and run it back for a touchdown (see: Vince Young, Carson Palmer, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, etc.). What do these receivers get paid for?

5.) I really should call to attention the racial disparity in pregame shows. Every panel has a bunch of white guys, and an outspoken black guy. Michael Irvin, Shannon Sharpe, Terry Bradshaw.

"But Doc, what about James Brown?" Come on, he's whiter than Jerry Jones. You can't count that.

But these "color" commentators are paid to make stupid statements that sound ridiculous and get everyone arguing. Sometimes people like Irvin get a prediction right, like Terrell Owens getting a fat contract from Dallas. That's the equivelant to an inexperienced Hold 'Em player sitting down at the table, thinking he knows what he's doing, then sucking out your pocket aces with a 6-high straight.

College Football

6.) Who's number 3? Who gives a shit? Louisville, that's who. In a town used to basketball rankings, the difference between 3 and 4 doesn't seem to be a big deal. But in college football, rankings are everything. You can be undefeated, beaten a ranked opponent every week, and dating the BCS chairman's daughter, and still not be ranked in the top 2 or 3.

7.) God Almighty, college football! GET A FUCKING PLAYOFF SYSTEM!!! This is not only possible; it's a GREAT idea. It's more money for the schools, more excitement for the fans, and more profitable for the networks. I don't understand why, instead of seeing the top 16 teams in the nation battle to get to the next level, we have to watch (actual names) the Poinsetta Bowl, the MPC Computers Bowl, the Chik-Fil-A Bowl, or the White Castle Butt-Fuckers Bowl.

Ok, the last one was fake, but you get the point.


8.) I just realized that the campus police at Vanderbilt University are driving brand-new Ford Mustangs. Is that right? Should they be spending money on really fast cars in an environment where there's constant pedestrian traffic and very short streets? Anyone else bothered by this?

9.) Why is Bob Dylan the greatest musician in the world right now? He's untouchable at this point. He could file for sainthood and probably get it. He could ask the Queen to knight him, even though he's American, and she'd do it.

Dylan has his own show on XM. He's also got a tribute show that only plays his music on Sirius. Rolling Stone gave his latest album 5 stars ("instant classic" status), when it sounds exactly like his last one. He's on the record as saying he "owns the 60's" For a guy who can't play the guitar or piano very well and sure as hell can't sing, he's got quite an ego. Granted, he's a very good songwriter, and he wrote "Like a Rolling Stone" and "The Hurricane," which were great songs, but I think he's a teensy bit overrated.

10.) The older I get, the more disgusted I get when people around me make out with each other in public. These are adults that I'm talking about. Really, people. You can afford your own place these days. Save it at least until you get in the car. If you're so overflowing with love that I have to see you stick your tongue in your lover's mouth, then you shouldn't have left the bedroom in the first place.

I recently saw a guy feeling up his girlfriend. No joke, like underneath the shirt, in public. 'Kay, now you may be thinking, "Well that's ok if the girl's hot." Well, she wasn't. And the fat spilling out from under the shirt was unthinkable. I can barely write about it now. I'm sure her boyfriend loves her very much, but have some respect for your environment. It's like littering out of your car window, except much, much worse.


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