Sound Observations

Humor, sports and social satire from an absurd modern world. Comments are encouraged and appreciated. Welcome!

Location: Nashville, Tennessee, United States

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Looking Good?

Note: This column originally appeared on on Monday, November 20th

NFL Week 11

1.) So Mike Nolan decided to wear a suit on the sidelines during the Niners/Seahawks game. This has been an ongoing story from last year, when Nolan petitioned the league to let him do this, even though the NFL has a uniform contract with Reebok, which mandates what players and coaches can wear during games. Apparently Reebok designed a suit and tie specifically for Nolan to be able to dress this way.

Why is this important? BECAUSE GROWN MEN SHOULD BE ABLE TO WEAR WHATEVER THEY WANT TO!!! Especially coaches. I understand all players must resemble each other in uniform, but I don't think the league frowned upon coaches like Vince Lombardi or Tom Landry when they were dressed in classy clothes and winning championships. Let them wear what they want, regargless of the sponsor.

On to more amusing notes on Week 11

2.) The Titans looked good on Sunday, didn't they? Although McNabb went down and dashed my fantasy championship hopes, I think they were on the way to a victory regardless. Last week I mentioned the fact that the Titans were going to be a dangerous team the rest of this year and beyond, but I'm sure very few believed me. They're not quite there yet, but it's coming.

During the broadcast, the play-by-play guy made a comment after a successful Eagles blitz that went "They got penetration from both ends there." No kidding. I wonder if these announcers really know what they're doing and are trying to get away with a few things, or if they're completely oblivious and provide unintentional jokes for the rest of the week.

"Penetration from both ends."

3.) I'm glad John Madden has found a new player to cream himself over (the successor to Brett Favre). When a seasoned pro like Madden is calling Ladanian Tomlinson "LT" over and over again, it shows either a profound respect for the player, or the connection in his prefrontal cortex finally blew and he's seriously just using letters now.

"BF is a real football player. The only other football players that I can think of are LT or PM. AM, what do you think of SK's outfit on the sidelines tonight? I think it's giving me a HO."

4.) Doesn't it seem a little too comfortable for the boys in Rockefeller Center on Football Night in America? They're sitting around in leather chairs, drinking cocktails out of coffee mugs and watching 600 plasma screens. Sterling Sharpe and Jerome Bettis look like they've just polished off a few dozen hot dogs, and waiting for Costas to throw it to commercial so they can unbutton their pants for a while. Way too comfortable.

5.) I've got a new slogan for the NFL this year: "Pervasive Mediocrity: Catch the Fever!"

6.) can lick my balls. Every story is only available through the "Insider" plan, which of course costs an unnecessary amount of money. I know Mike and Jonathan have railed against this before, and I'm joining their cause. Besides the most current Bill Simmons articles, anything other than box scores are unavailable to the general public. How about if you pay for cable, which includes ESPN, you get an automatic Insider account? I think that sounds like a real plan. Screw 'em.

College Football

7.) Ok, Ohio State beat Michigan. Whuptee fucking doo. Since these are the only teams in the country right now, should we even play the rest of the season?Great defense, too. When Louisville beat West Virginia, there were about 1,000 total yards gained. In the OSU/UM game, there was about 900. After the Louisville game, everyone was shouting, "There's no defense! They couldn't beat Michigan or Ohio State!" After the Ohio State game, it's an "Instant Classic."I really hate college football.


8.) Yep, recently I spent most of the day with my zipper completely down. Didn't notice it at all until I got home. I have no idea how long it had been down, but I'm pretty sure my wanger was probably flapping around in the open since around 11 am. I should have felt a breeze, but apparently it was a draftless day.

This disturbed me. How could I have missed this? I had no excuse, like "These pants do this all the time," or "It must have come down as I was lifting that car off of the injured old lady." I'm 27 years old. It's too young for Alzheimer's. I hope. What happened?

So now I've become overly cautious. I'm either constantly looking down at my crotch or feeling the zipper to ensure that it's up. I've found that this is not entirely socially acceptable. People have begun looking at me strangely, which only feeds into my paranoia. I think they're staring at my exposed dinger.

Does that really happen? Even if a dude's zipper is down, do women stare automatically at the dude's crotch? I'm guessing not, but I can't tell my brain that. No siree. So people will just have to deal with it until I get over my obsession.

9.) I went to New York City last week, and I noticed a clear division in the women of the city. As Chris said, there are so many people, so it's easy to classify them into groups. I'm sure I could do this with men, but it's not as fun.

A.) The Scarecrow - These are the girls that are so thin it looks like they could hide behind a telephone pole like in the cartoons. Some of you guys might like this, but it freaks me out when you see a girl with legs that look like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas. I'm sure they would break easily in an arm-wrestling match, and fall to pieces before your very eyes. Creepy.

B.) Is She Really Wearing That? - This is just gross. Some women that are, um, slightly overweight, should not cram their fat asses into a size 6. This happens far too frequently, and I'm here to put a stop to it. Anyone reading this, spread the word. If you see an obese woman shoved into a pair of spandex biker shorts and a sports bra that is wearing this in public, speak out against it. If you do nothing, it's basically condoning the behavior. If you inform the person of their skewed self-image, the world will be a better place. Now go forth and change the world, people!

C.) The Ass Crack - This has become more and more prevalent in recent years. Women have started to wear their jeans so low that the ass is hanging out. Not the thong or the lower back; the ass crack. I understand that some dudes think this is sexy, but come on. It's like looking at a thinner plumber while he's under your sink. No effort is made to hike up the pants, even when the ass is disfigured by tight jeans, making the top of the ass spill out of the top of the jeans like an inflatable snowcone. I don't think this is attractive, but to each his own.

D.) The Everygirl - These poor girls just can't do anything to stand out. They're not ugly. They're not gorgeous. They're just kind of there. The funny thing is, most of these girls have a personality to match. It's like they've internalized their mediocrity (Catch the Fever!) and can't be too funny, or too offensive. They're simply just there.

The good news for this type is that they can settle into a relationship with a similar guy, whereupon they'll have similar kids that perpetuate the cycle. It's the visual middle-class, and it needs to be there for all of us.

E.) The Geisha - By far the most frequent of the types that I saw in New York. I understand the makeup industry is big business, but these women pile it on their faces like it's going to dry up in 3 hours.

Caked-on makeup is not attractive to any guy. If women would realize this, there would be much less fighting about money in relationships. Women will spend the money they saved for a year's worth of oil changes to clear out the counter at Chanel. This is insane. Put on enough to cover up any marks or blemishes, and leave it at that. Don't keep piling it on so you look like Courtney Love before her nightly crack binge and gangbang. It's simply not what men look for.

10.) Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving


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