Sound Observations

Humor, sports and social satire from an absurd modern world. Comments are encouraged and appreciated. Welcome!

Location: Nashville, Tennessee, United States

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Looking Good?

Note: This column originally appeared on on Monday, November 20th

NFL Week 11

1.) So Mike Nolan decided to wear a suit on the sidelines during the Niners/Seahawks game. This has been an ongoing story from last year, when Nolan petitioned the league to let him do this, even though the NFL has a uniform contract with Reebok, which mandates what players and coaches can wear during games. Apparently Reebok designed a suit and tie specifically for Nolan to be able to dress this way.

Why is this important? BECAUSE GROWN MEN SHOULD BE ABLE TO WEAR WHATEVER THEY WANT TO!!! Especially coaches. I understand all players must resemble each other in uniform, but I don't think the league frowned upon coaches like Vince Lombardi or Tom Landry when they were dressed in classy clothes and winning championships. Let them wear what they want, regargless of the sponsor.

On to more amusing notes on Week 11

2.) The Titans looked good on Sunday, didn't they? Although McNabb went down and dashed my fantasy championship hopes, I think they were on the way to a victory regardless. Last week I mentioned the fact that the Titans were going to be a dangerous team the rest of this year and beyond, but I'm sure very few believed me. They're not quite there yet, but it's coming.

During the broadcast, the play-by-play guy made a comment after a successful Eagles blitz that went "They got penetration from both ends there." No kidding. I wonder if these announcers really know what they're doing and are trying to get away with a few things, or if they're completely oblivious and provide unintentional jokes for the rest of the week.

"Penetration from both ends."

3.) I'm glad John Madden has found a new player to cream himself over (the successor to Brett Favre). When a seasoned pro like Madden is calling Ladanian Tomlinson "LT" over and over again, it shows either a profound respect for the player, or the connection in his prefrontal cortex finally blew and he's seriously just using letters now.

"BF is a real football player. The only other football players that I can think of are LT or PM. AM, what do you think of SK's outfit on the sidelines tonight? I think it's giving me a HO."

4.) Doesn't it seem a little too comfortable for the boys in Rockefeller Center on Football Night in America? They're sitting around in leather chairs, drinking cocktails out of coffee mugs and watching 600 plasma screens. Sterling Sharpe and Jerome Bettis look like they've just polished off a few dozen hot dogs, and waiting for Costas to throw it to commercial so they can unbutton their pants for a while. Way too comfortable.

5.) I've got a new slogan for the NFL this year: "Pervasive Mediocrity: Catch the Fever!"

6.) can lick my balls. Every story is only available through the "Insider" plan, which of course costs an unnecessary amount of money. I know Mike and Jonathan have railed against this before, and I'm joining their cause. Besides the most current Bill Simmons articles, anything other than box scores are unavailable to the general public. How about if you pay for cable, which includes ESPN, you get an automatic Insider account? I think that sounds like a real plan. Screw 'em.

College Football

7.) Ok, Ohio State beat Michigan. Whuptee fucking doo. Since these are the only teams in the country right now, should we even play the rest of the season?Great defense, too. When Louisville beat West Virginia, there were about 1,000 total yards gained. In the OSU/UM game, there was about 900. After the Louisville game, everyone was shouting, "There's no defense! They couldn't beat Michigan or Ohio State!" After the Ohio State game, it's an "Instant Classic."I really hate college football.


8.) Yep, recently I spent most of the day with my zipper completely down. Didn't notice it at all until I got home. I have no idea how long it had been down, but I'm pretty sure my wanger was probably flapping around in the open since around 11 am. I should have felt a breeze, but apparently it was a draftless day.

This disturbed me. How could I have missed this? I had no excuse, like "These pants do this all the time," or "It must have come down as I was lifting that car off of the injured old lady." I'm 27 years old. It's too young for Alzheimer's. I hope. What happened?

So now I've become overly cautious. I'm either constantly looking down at my crotch or feeling the zipper to ensure that it's up. I've found that this is not entirely socially acceptable. People have begun looking at me strangely, which only feeds into my paranoia. I think they're staring at my exposed dinger.

Does that really happen? Even if a dude's zipper is down, do women stare automatically at the dude's crotch? I'm guessing not, but I can't tell my brain that. No siree. So people will just have to deal with it until I get over my obsession.

9.) I went to New York City last week, and I noticed a clear division in the women of the city. As Chris said, there are so many people, so it's easy to classify them into groups. I'm sure I could do this with men, but it's not as fun.

A.) The Scarecrow - These are the girls that are so thin it looks like they could hide behind a telephone pole like in the cartoons. Some of you guys might like this, but it freaks me out when you see a girl with legs that look like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas. I'm sure they would break easily in an arm-wrestling match, and fall to pieces before your very eyes. Creepy.

B.) Is She Really Wearing That? - This is just gross. Some women that are, um, slightly overweight, should not cram their fat asses into a size 6. This happens far too frequently, and I'm here to put a stop to it. Anyone reading this, spread the word. If you see an obese woman shoved into a pair of spandex biker shorts and a sports bra that is wearing this in public, speak out against it. If you do nothing, it's basically condoning the behavior. If you inform the person of their skewed self-image, the world will be a better place. Now go forth and change the world, people!

C.) The Ass Crack - This has become more and more prevalent in recent years. Women have started to wear their jeans so low that the ass is hanging out. Not the thong or the lower back; the ass crack. I understand that some dudes think this is sexy, but come on. It's like looking at a thinner plumber while he's under your sink. No effort is made to hike up the pants, even when the ass is disfigured by tight jeans, making the top of the ass spill out of the top of the jeans like an inflatable snowcone. I don't think this is attractive, but to each his own.

D.) The Everygirl - These poor girls just can't do anything to stand out. They're not ugly. They're not gorgeous. They're just kind of there. The funny thing is, most of these girls have a personality to match. It's like they've internalized their mediocrity (Catch the Fever!) and can't be too funny, or too offensive. They're simply just there.

The good news for this type is that they can settle into a relationship with a similar guy, whereupon they'll have similar kids that perpetuate the cycle. It's the visual middle-class, and it needs to be there for all of us.

E.) The Geisha - By far the most frequent of the types that I saw in New York. I understand the makeup industry is big business, but these women pile it on their faces like it's going to dry up in 3 hours.

Caked-on makeup is not attractive to any guy. If women would realize this, there would be much less fighting about money in relationships. Women will spend the money they saved for a year's worth of oil changes to clear out the counter at Chanel. This is insane. Put on enough to cover up any marks or blemishes, and leave it at that. Don't keep piling it on so you look like Courtney Love before her nightly crack binge and gangbang. It's simply not what men look for.

10.) Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving

Belichick's an Ass?

A bit abbreviated this week. I'm headed to NYC for a little vacation. Sadly, I won't return with a travelogue pictorial. On with the show.

NFL Week 10

1.) Another strange week for the NFL, with parity abounding with reckless abandon. The Jets upsetting New England may have been the most surprising one, especially with the Patriots at home, but it provided the best "I really never liked you and like you less for going to a divisional rival" moment of the year between Bill Belichick and Eric "Marshmellow" Mangini.

Does anyone else think Belichick is really an asshole? I guess the signs have been there all along. I'm ready for him to bust out in one of the post-game press conferences with "They are who we THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!" It's only a matter of time.

2.) The Titans will be a good team next year, and a decent team for the rest of this year. Mark it down. You heard it here first. Although the special teams are anything but special, the defense is stepping up and the offense seems to have more attitude.

3.) The Green Bay Packers and the San Francisco 49ers have as many wins as the Bengals (AFC North champ last year), the Vikings (Everyone's darling early this year), Carolina (Easy Superbowl pick this year), and the Rams (HUGE sleeper team in preseason). The Packers and the 49ers also have more wins than the Steelers (Superbowl champs), the Dolphins (Superbowl picks for this year by many), the Redskins (Supposed to be a contender this year), and the Bucs (No one thought they'd be this bad).

It's good to see old-school teams out of the cellar. Maybe we'll get the updated version of Favre vs. Young in a few years.

College Football

4.) Get ready for the onslaught of Michigan/Ohio State coverage for the next 6 days. I can't wait for this game to be over, and some undeserving SEC team to play in the National Championship game.

I think I'm going to apply for every available position in the NCAA, even if it's in the mailroom, and work my way up until I can have a say in postseason structure. I can't understand why there's not any type of playoff, even a 4 game playoff, to see who's actually the best team.

The matchups alone would change everything. You don't think West Virginia's running game has a chance against a Michigan defense that allowed 26 points from Ball State? You don't think a Louisville team that leads the nation in offense could carve up USC's secondary? Didn't think so.5.) Special teams suck in college. They're not great in the pros, but the South Carolina/Florida game was hideous. Florida barely lets their kicker on the field, and the Cocks' kicker can't get the ball in the air. Terrible.I did get a chance to say Cocks, though. Hee hee.



6.) Did you ever have one of those nights where you wake up around 2 am and can't get back to sleep? I fucking hate those nights. I just had one last night, where I kept tricking myself into thinking I was asleep. I tried to make up dreams, stayed in the same position for a long time, drooled a little... that kind of thing. Didn't work. I feel like shit today.

7.) I see the Peyton Manning ads are gaining new life these days. At last count, I tallied 842 commercials with some incarnation of Manning in 6 hours yesterday. Somebody should really write a letter. I don't even know what he's advertising, but I don't want it. It's having the reverse effect.

Who Got Buck?

After a week off, I'm back for more pointed observations regarding the world of sports and beyond. I really need to quit my job. It gets in the way of life. Anyways, onward we go:

NFL Week 9

1.) Dear God, Joe Buck is back and the FOX pregame team is back on the road. Hide the kids and try not to look directly at the screen. FOX continues to find ways to make a crappy pregame show even crappier. "If you can't conduct a pregame show in front of a thousand drunk-ass screaming fans with their nipples painted yellow, what's the point of a pregame show?"

Now they're splitting the duties between Buck and Curt Menefee, when Buck has to go up to the booth and prepare for calling the game. I'm so confused!! Who's the real host? Where's James Brown?!!

2.) (sigh) Now the Raiders have resorted to kicking people in the balls. In the balls. I realize that there was a bit of a scuffle going on, and apparently no one likes or respects Jerramy Stevens, but come on. Don't kick people in the balls. If you weren't one of the sixteen people watching that game, here's the incident.

Besides that, I do like the way the Raiders are playing this year. They're an enigma. They go on a wild two-game winning streak, which includes the absolute, hands-down worst game of the year against the Steelers, and then get sacked nine times by an average Seattle defense. They keep you guessing. Everyone thought they would be "historically bad" (see: Peter King), and now they've got the same amount of wins as the defending Super Bowl champs.

They've also got the silliest looking coach, too, in defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. Tony Kornheiser described him as having the "Raider look." Really? Sorry I can't provide a picture of him, but you'll know it when you see it.

3.) Nobody likes Peyton Manning. I've never seen this much hatred for a really good player before. He's putting together another amazing season, and all anyone can talk about is how he'll eventually choke. "He can't play in the winter." "He doesn't have the support of his teammates." And of course; "He can't win the big game."

I don't remember this kind of scrutiny with Dan Marino. Of course, the media is much more invasive and nitpicky these days, but Marino is lovingly remembered as one of the best of all time, even without a title. Manning is set to obliterate almost every quarterback record except for rushing yards, and all people can do is criticize him.

Ah, fuck it. I hate him too. He just annoys the crap out of me.

4.) I haven't seen so many dropped balls since my testicles descended. Every time I looked at a game, the quarterback was putting the ball on the numbers, and the receiver would either drop it (and immediately clutch the sides of their helmet like they had the worst migraine in history), or tip it up in the air so some lucky defensive back could pad their stats and run it back for a touchdown (see: Vince Young, Carson Palmer, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, etc.). What do these receivers get paid for?

5.) I really should call to attention the racial disparity in pregame shows. Every panel has a bunch of white guys, and an outspoken black guy. Michael Irvin, Shannon Sharpe, Terry Bradshaw.

"But Doc, what about James Brown?" Come on, he's whiter than Jerry Jones. You can't count that.

But these "color" commentators are paid to make stupid statements that sound ridiculous and get everyone arguing. Sometimes people like Irvin get a prediction right, like Terrell Owens getting a fat contract from Dallas. That's the equivelant to an inexperienced Hold 'Em player sitting down at the table, thinking he knows what he's doing, then sucking out your pocket aces with a 6-high straight.

College Football

6.) Who's number 3? Who gives a shit? Louisville, that's who. In a town used to basketball rankings, the difference between 3 and 4 doesn't seem to be a big deal. But in college football, rankings are everything. You can be undefeated, beaten a ranked opponent every week, and dating the BCS chairman's daughter, and still not be ranked in the top 2 or 3.

7.) God Almighty, college football! GET A FUCKING PLAYOFF SYSTEM!!! This is not only possible; it's a GREAT idea. It's more money for the schools, more excitement for the fans, and more profitable for the networks. I don't understand why, instead of seeing the top 16 teams in the nation battle to get to the next level, we have to watch (actual names) the Poinsetta Bowl, the MPC Computers Bowl, the Chik-Fil-A Bowl, or the White Castle Butt-Fuckers Bowl.

Ok, the last one was fake, but you get the point.


8.) I just realized that the campus police at Vanderbilt University are driving brand-new Ford Mustangs. Is that right? Should they be spending money on really fast cars in an environment where there's constant pedestrian traffic and very short streets? Anyone else bothered by this?

9.) Why is Bob Dylan the greatest musician in the world right now? He's untouchable at this point. He could file for sainthood and probably get it. He could ask the Queen to knight him, even though he's American, and she'd do it.

Dylan has his own show on XM. He's also got a tribute show that only plays his music on Sirius. Rolling Stone gave his latest album 5 stars ("instant classic" status), when it sounds exactly like his last one. He's on the record as saying he "owns the 60's" For a guy who can't play the guitar or piano very well and sure as hell can't sing, he's got quite an ego. Granted, he's a very good songwriter, and he wrote "Like a Rolling Stone" and "The Hurricane," which were great songs, but I think he's a teensy bit overrated.

10.) The older I get, the more disgusted I get when people around me make out with each other in public. These are adults that I'm talking about. Really, people. You can afford your own place these days. Save it at least until you get in the car. If you're so overflowing with love that I have to see you stick your tongue in your lover's mouth, then you shouldn't have left the bedroom in the first place.

I recently saw a guy feeling up his girlfriend. No joke, like underneath the shirt, in public. 'Kay, now you may be thinking, "Well that's ok if the girl's hot." Well, she wasn't. And the fat spilling out from under the shirt was unthinkable. I can barely write about it now. I'm sure her boyfriend loves her very much, but have some respect for your environment. It's like littering out of your car window, except much, much worse.